you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
