fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You've changed since you got that strap on
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
