omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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