So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
