I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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