I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
