I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
