Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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