There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
People in love make me want to vomit
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
