Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
