Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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