I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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