The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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