i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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