Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
