I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
