Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So vagazzling was a success
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