btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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