I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
