Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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