is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Please don't give away my fajitas
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
