You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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