Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
