woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
