piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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