my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
