I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
