she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
