do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
