Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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