i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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