OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
