She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just cropdusted the office
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
