I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
