me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
