She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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