i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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