I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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