Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
