you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
