Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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