I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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