No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
