does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
