I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
