I could have mohawked her pubes.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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