So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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