I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
