My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
