Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
