there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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