I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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