My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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