my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
