peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
