I haven't been this sober since birth.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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